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Driver's License(9/13/2006)
Submitted by W. Allison
The line was long at the driver's license bureau when the young man, obviously from a middle-eastern country stepped up to the counter and said, "I am told that I need to get a driver's license to drive here in America. I am here to learn how to get one."
The lady behind the counter looked a little funny and asked, "Have you ever driven before?"
"Oh, yes! Many times!" he replied.
"Do you have an existing driver's license?" she asked.
"No, in my country they do not require such a thing."
"Well, you'll need to get a test booklet over there." She pointed to a nearby counter where there were stacks of test-prep booklets as she spoke. "Then, after you've studied the booklet, you can come back between 9:00 A.M. and 3:30 P.M. Monday through Friday and take the written test. Once you pass the written test, we'll set you up for a road test. And don't forget that you can't get a license to drive until you have insurance...do you have insurance?"
"I have never heard of such a thing!" the young man replied, looking a little upset.
"Are you sure you've driven before?"
"Yes, many times I have driven my uncle's sheep and goats, even to market." He paused. "Is not driving a car the same?"
You've seen him on the road talking on his cell phone, right?
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True Story
(9/13/2006)
Submitted by W. Allison
The contractors at our local Regional Bell Operating Company got a call from their newest addition, a young man from India. He said he was at the airport and he wanted two of the guys to come and get him.
"No problem," said the supervisor. "I'll just come and get you."
"Good," the young man said, "but you must bring someone with you to drive my rental car."
"Why? And if you've already rented a car, why don't you just drive it on over here? Why do I have to come and get you."
"Because," the young man said, "I've never driven a car in my life."
You've seen him on the road talking on his cell phone, right?
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Help Desk(9/13/2006)
Submitted by R. Bunzl
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you havepassed all the tests, except one. Unless you passit, you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using thewords yellow, pink and green ."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,"Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a support technician at a callcenter for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
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Redneck Church?
(9/13/2006)
Submitted by R. Bunzl
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
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Auburn 1
(9/13/2006) The Alabama student was dating a rather striking young Auburn student. One day when he called her, she was in tears. "What's wrong?" he asked.
She sobbed, "I got a beautiful new jig saw puzzle, but I just cannot get it to fit together. Can you come over and help me?"
"Now, now," the Alabama guy said, "Is there a picture showing what it should look like? Doesn't it help?"
"Oh, yes, it's a beautiful picture of an Auburn tiger," she sobbed, "but I just cannot put it together."
"OK, I'll be over in a little while to help."
When the Bama student walked in, he took one look at the box, put his arm around the young lady's shoulders, and said, "Its not exactly a jig-saw puzzle. Come on now, let's put the Frosted Flakes back in the box and I'll get you a real puzzle."
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Krispy Kritters(9/13/2006) "Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist".
--David Letterman
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Panda Job Description(9/13/2006) A large panda walks into a diner, sits down at the counter and orders food to eat. He calmly eats all the food.
As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the owner is furious.Why the heck did you do that?!" The owner yells.
As he walks out the panda turns around and says: "I'm a panda, look it up." And he leaves.
So the restaurant owner goes into his back office and pulls his old dictionary off the shelf. After blowing the dust off it, he opens it and finds the entry for "panda."
It said: "PANDA: A member of the raccoon family native to Asia. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Intelligent Quotes(9/13/2006) "You don't get your first home run too often."
--Rick Wrona, Chicago Cubs catcher
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